Even better than that Tina Fey book.

I’ve often thought that if you could invent a safe, non-toxic and completely-able-to-work-without-a-trace tranquilizer dart gun for children you could be a bajillinaire. Think about it. You are relaxing on the couch at the end of a long day or maybe just trying to get the dishwasher loaded in peace, when your beloved offspring appear for the fourth, fifth or maybe eighteenth time to tell you “something important” or ask for another drink of water. Or maybe it’s approaching bedtime and you know they are exhausted, but they can’t wind down. They are whining or being argumentative with you, each other, the dog….

You take one look and think I wish I could drop that kid right now.

Don’t worry. I have no desire to harm my children. It’s just that sometimes I know they desperately need some sleep and I’d like to have the magical ability to facilitate that without any long-lasting or harmful effects. A long-range tranquilizer dart gun would fill the bill perfectly.

But alas, there is no such thing. Or if there is I don’t know about it and it’s surely illegal.

This book, however, is the next best thing:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many thanks to my Uncle Chuck, who went out of his way to order multiple copies of this book with me and my sister in mind, then brought it to my office and left it on my chair in an unassuming brown paper bag.

I’d already read about this book somewhere and followed Amazon’s instructions to LOOK INSIDE! I liked what I saw and then spaced it out. Coming back to the office at the end of a long day and finding this incredible gift was like Christmas in June.

This book is manna for the parent’s soul. Because let’s face it, bedtime can suck. Your children are tired, but pretending not to be. You’re tired and couldn’t care less about pretending not to be. Your children know that the force is weak in you at that moment, and they strike like the renegade young Padawans they are, mercilessly asking for water, one more story, their purple bunny, the ball they got as a gift at preschool, one more yogurt, their blanket to be on, their blanket to be off and – and this is the cruelest of all – one more hug and kiss. Because what kind of jerk are you if you can’t give your kid one more kiss?

I laughed a lot when I read Tina Fey’s book Bossypants. But I laughed a whole lot more when I read Go the F@!k to Sleep.

I wish they had baby showers for people on their second or third child, because this would be an outstanding gift. I wouldn’t recommend it for first-time parents who are still living the dream of children nestled all snug in their beds. They’d think you were hateful, insensitive and crass. Besides, nobody likes a kill joy. But I highly recommend buying it now and saving it for later. Y0u’ll know when the time is right to pass it on.

And if you don’t have anybody to buy it for, buy it for yourself. Or at the very least LOOK INSIDE!

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About workingmomslunch

I'm a full-time working mom of three girls. For reasons unknown to me some people think I make this all look easy. In reality, I have no idea what I'm doing. Every day I'm trying to figure out how to get everyone where they need to go on time, what to wear to work that doesn't require ironing, when I'm going to get the dust bunnies out from under the hall table, what we're going to have for dinner and what I might do if I actually had 20 minutes all to myself. Follow along with me as I navigate the oft-charted, but never mastered, waters of working motherhood.
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2 Responses to Even better than that Tina Fey book.

  1. Uncle Chuck says:

    Glad you enjoyed it! They still have a few copies at Readers World in Marquette Mall (Michigan City). I’m thinking there should be some sequels, like Eat your G@d-D#mned Spinach, or Clean up your F**king Room. How about Quit Pulling the F**king Cat’s G*d-D#*ned Tail? I’m sure that, among Heathers wonderful fans and friends we could come up with a whole series of best-sellers!

  2. Uncle Chuck says:

    Checking back to see if anyone has added ideas for a sequel(s), I find no responses. Should I interpret this to be an indicator that folks don’t think it was a good idea, or that no one reads your blogs, Heather? Or am I just impatient? Or are your contemporaries too young to appreciate the humor of this situation. For sure, only those who have been tested by the fullest rigors of parenting distress can fully appreciate it, I guess.

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